People are faking their homelessness and poverty for money, says petty urban bourgeousie

Written by Kitty S Jones

A group of privileged vigilantes have called for councils across the nation to see off homeless people in order to protect the Tory-voting urban bourgeoisie from offense. Armed with posh Nikon cameras, a book on phrenology and a crystal ball, they have taken to the streets to try and catch out the millionaires who are scamming the public by dressing up in pauper rags and begging. 

“Some of these homeless people are rubbish at living in houses and are being incompetently hungry in full view of everyone,” says Mr Harris Mint.

“But we know a large number of them are Marxists and some are millionaires. Some of them are faking malnutrition and thinness. There are some even faking disabilities. Whatever next. They should go and take their fake pauperism with them.

Mr Vinnie Dicktive, the group gossip and lead curtain twitcher, said “Everyone here knows these people are really trying to make everyone else miserable. One man went to great lengths to get a stay in hospital after conning the paramedics into saying he had pneumonia, but we know he was faking it, and we took photos of the fake resuscitation. They even conned us by sticking a drip into his arm. He must have paid them.

“The hospital said the fake tramp was in intensive care, but we know he sneaked into the canteen for some soup, really. We know the paramedics and hospital staff are Momentum supporters, so we took their photos and told them we would cross-reference them to deter them. We also got a good shot of the security guards who escorted us off the premises. Name and shame them, that’s what I say.” 

Another member of the vigilante group, Miss Dos Gowon, said: “One thing these people don’t like is being photographed or filmed, so we’ve gone and done that. These anarchy- commie woke Marxist types, languishing in doorways and lolling brazenly on park benches are a real menace to one’s view. They’re driving property prices down by pretending to be hoboes. 

“We have identified who is genuine with the relevant charities and their names and if they are homeless or not. We’ve ask them their names, we then translate them into runic symbols then use the crystal ball and a phrenology book. Everyone knows these charities are scaremongers and that homeless people can’t be causally linked with homelessness.

“Five of the paupers we photographed have told us they won’t go begging anymore if we don’t put their wanted photo up around town. Or give out their names, which are Getty Stoffed, Doo Won, Lemmie Bee, Goa Way and his brother, Noah Way. Most of them sound like nasty foreigners. 

Mr Lemmie Attem, the group strategist and phrenologist said “Not a single one of them sang the national anthem or denounced terrorism while they dossed around town. And they all have commie beards. And they’re Marxists. I know because I felt their bumps.

“Of the 17 hoboes we photographed, only two were genuine street homeless. Our sophisticated scientific character divination methods worked a treat. Not a single one could prove that they didn’t have a house or some money and clean clothes stashed somewhere.” 

Many great philosophers have come unstuck trying to prove the existence of nothing, however.

“See, we said they weren’t real homeless people. I could tell straight away by the shape of their heads. These philosophers are all Corbyn supporters and are just playing smart because they just want to make the government look bad as can be,” said Mr Noah Hoomaniti, the charismatic leader, rune writer of the group and lifelong Conservative supporter.

Newest member of the character and lifestyle divination vigilante group, Mr Lou Smorals said “The solution is to send homeless people to live in landfills. That way, they can sort through the rubbish for decent cardboard boxes, no-one has to see them and people get to feel charitable every time they throw food away. It’s the most humanitarian thing to do all round.”  

I asked the group what they thought genuinely homeless people would do when the ‘beast from the east’ struck. 

“Well, we will have to barricade ourselves in”, said Mr Willie Eckerslike, the group’s chief phrenologist and clairvoyant.

“I personally voted leave, and I’m annoyed we still have to put up with these foreigners coming over here. And foreign weather. It’s bad enough dealing with the fake homeless criminals without worrying about migrant sex offenders.”

Related

‘Nasty’ campaign to out fake beggars will ‘not be welcome’ in Liverpool

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30 thoughts on “People are faking their homelessness and poverty for money, says petty urban bourgeousie”

  2. Good lord they can’t even produce a decent sign cross referenced to deter” surely that should be determine. It may seem petty to point out but if they lack the intelligence to properly speak their own native language at their ages, they should not be in a position of power, self appointed or otherwise.

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    1. I’ve put the source at the foot of the article. And yes, it is already happening. So the ‘bad taste’ isn’t actually mine.

      I did, however, ridicule those responsible. I’m not going to apologise for that.

      I have written previous articles that adressed the subject of homelessness seriously. See for example –
      https://kittysjones.wordpress.com/2018/03/03/two-vulnerable-and-homeless-men-left-to-die-in-sub-zero-weather/

      This group of vigilantes deserved to be ridiculed

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      4. No, I don’t see anything to laugh at, far from it. Indeed, given Ms Jones’ usual POV, I began to wonder if she’d gone mad, or perhaps had her blog hijacked. If such vigilantes actually exist, then they need to be named and shamed, not given farcical pseudonyms; if they are simply the products of someone’s warped imagination, then that is where they should have stayed, less someone be encouraged to put the idea into practice. That’s all.

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      5. Had you bothered reading it, you’d know that the vigilante groups is real. Oddly enough they don’t provide us with all of their names. Naming and shaming is apparently just something we do with ‘fake homeless people’.

        Interesting that you think that my mentioning of this group may make them somehow a reality. It’s already happened and has nothing to do with me writing satire. If the article made you feel uncomfortable, then good – it was intended to.

        I don’t think ridiculing this group is ‘mad’. I think it’s a good way of highlighting their utter irrationality, bigotry and heartless nimbyism.

        See also https://kittysjones.wordpress.com/2018/03/06/sometimes-satire-is-appropriate-calling-it-fake-news-isnt/

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  5. Pingback: People are faking their homelessness and poverty for money, says petty urban bourgeousie | Jaffer's blog

  6. I don’t like this Kitty- you are known for posting genuine news, not satire.

    This stuff is so indistinguishable from what right wing vigilantes actually do say that it cannot be enjoyed as comedy. Taken as fiction it is too close to the truth and it will undermine your credibility when you post – as you normally do – about things that really have and are happening.

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    1. Satire is meant to be close to the truth. It doesn’t work otherwise. This isn’t actually fiction, in that there really IS a vigilante group, all I have done is lampooned them and highlighted their bigotry, stupidity and irrationality. It’s a sorry state of affairs when this article raises more anger and indignation than the one before it about two ill and vulnerable disabled men who died in sub-zero temperatures, while local people expressed ‘shock and surprise’ at the fact they didn’t survive the conditions of the last week.

      My article lampoons those with prejudice, indifference to their fellow citizens’ suffering and inhumanity, not homeless people.

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  7. Pingback: Sometimes satire is appropriate. Calling it ‘fake news’ isn’t – Politics and Insights
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  10. I appreciated this article, Kitty, and couldn’t agree more that it is a sorry state of affairs that this brought out more anger and indignation than the story of two disabled men dying on our streets in sub-zero temperatures.

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    1. If ‘professional beggars’ have to spend their time begging to get by, then there is something going seriously wrong in our society. Suddenly everyone claims to be an ‘expertt’ on who is homeless, who isn’t, who ‘deserves’ support and who doesn’t. Shameful times.

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  15. ‘To Deter’… shouldn’t this be ‘To Determine’?  Who creates these notices?  Shouldn’t they get them spell-checked before publishing them?

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