In a recent stage production called “Closing The Barn Door after the Chicken Coup,” a well-known actor who plays the rear end of a horse has complained how much he dislikes Labour party leaders, just on principle. He’s a Labour MP; he says that it’s good to have a hobby in his spare time.

“I hate them all. But more than any of them, I really feel that Corbyn is just too beardy, and I simply can’t get behind him,” says the sullen actor.

“I say neigh, neigh and thrice neigh. How very dare he. He’s only gone and appealed to the tens of thousands of new party recruits, enthusing them by his pesky kid anti-austerity messages. I’m worried that the electorate will spot what a sham Tory austerity is soon, because of such strong opposition from the extremists amongst them who are sick of being made poorer. That simply must not happen.

We can’t have a Labour party that is just about social things for any Tom, Dick or Harry. We need to look after big business. I know all about trickle down economics, being the back end of a mule. In the 1800s it was called the “horse and sparrow” theory. You feed the big horse all the oats and the many little sparrows get to feed in its wake. That’s what it’s all about. I say give all the money to the big private horses.”

I think he means that the public are being fed horse shit.

The actor claims to be a long-standing supporter and member of the Labour party, as well as a part-time MP. However, earlier this year he complained bitterly to the Daily Mail that the then party leader, Ed Miliband, is “a f****** knob.”  As Labour’s new self-appointed publicist, the actor has become famous for his nonsensical outbursts, controversial business interests and excessively large luvvie ego, which is the impressive size of a cathedral.

He told the Mail on Sunday: “I would be prepared to stand as a stalking horse against Jeremy Corbyn.”

“My only intention is to secure a better leader for the Labour party as they’re all rubbish, none of them are ever good enough, in my very important opinion. They need to be nagged. The person to do it is me me me!”

Although the actor says “We know that Labour only wins when it is united and when it is patriotic and speaks for the whole country,” he has nonetheless decided that unbridled disunity and carping about the party is the best way forward. From the back.

He says: “The only way forward for the Labour party is for them to stop opposing the Conservatives completely, especially on welfare cuts and austerity. This crazy left wing politics is nonsense and needs to stop.  And it would do us no harm to behave like blue-collar UKIP supporters. I say we should bring back hanging as well, that would get us elected as most of the public like reality TV entertainment and punishing the poor. We should do what the public want.”

When asked about his leading role as the rear end of a horse, he replied: “Farce doesn’t begin to describe my position any more, it’s the political equivalent of all the slapstick staples and stables rolled into one. But I make hay while the sun shines from my back end.”

He wouldn’t disclose the identity of the front end of the horse, despite the truth being right under his nose. But he has never been one to bury his head in the … sand, and said his real ambition was to progress and play the rear end of a rocking horse.

The actor complained that during the pantomime, the horses head kept pitching abruptly further and further to the right, whilst he couldn’t see where he was going. It made him feel very un-stable. But he added “It’s much better than turning left I suppose.”

He went on to say: “It’s a night mare. Sometimes it’s better to laugh than cry. Because the inescapable truth from here is painfully hard to countenance.”

It must be difficult to keep a tight reign from his position, which lends a form to his pressing sense of inadequacy. Yet despite his own unfortunate position, with his nose pressed firmly to the grind, the actor, left in the dark and certainly left behind, went on to say that “Corbyn should let his trousers fall down and John McDonnell plant a custard pie in his face.”

“The world’s my stage and I’m a horse’s ass”, he added.

A recent Gallop poll showed that many agree. He is.