“Less organised than a Beer Hall Putsch but with more Beer.” – Conference Slogan.

Party officials at the Conservative conference will not, now, announce the introduction of models of restraint, at Conference, to help the Tories win the next general election.

Prime Minister Boris has so far sought to limit his models to Card Board Buses and Americans with Innovation Visas and a discreet approach to financial support but was going to extend them to models of restraint. The announcement seems to have been gagged.

Manuela Arcuri, a resting actress from Middlesex said, “I was definitely happy to vote for the Conservatives, in my acting career I have been the model of restraint on several occasions. I welcome Boris tying his colours to the mast in this way.”

“I am excited that my visa from Colombia has enabled me to enjoy the bondage of labour being extended, firmly, to everyone who needs it. ”

Chancellor Savage Javid said the country ‘needs more fiscal restraints’, and the Tories have more experience than most of delivering policies that tighten the belt. He denied that a gag was in place, blaming inaudibility on a microphone.

The original draft for a new “Welcome the New Nanny State” poster seems cancelled after Tory backbenchers warned those words used in conjunction with the images used contravene an offence under the 1787 Royal Proclamation by George III: “Proclamation for the Discouragement of Vice”.

“Yes, technically it is ‘a sale of poison more deadly than prussic acid, strychnine or arsenic’ without any literary merit”, explained one long-serving Tory MP when asked about the steep price tag for the Poster, “but the character of ‘Nanny State’ is fabulously well written. One always has a warm place for Nanny.”

The planned postbox advertising campaign was cancelled in the late hours of Thursday when a tired and emotional Chancellor of the Duchy of The Right Hand Side was seen consulting a whip in the Lobbies. Rumours the campaign had been cancelled after being leaked were dismissed as naysaying of the glorious golden reign that will result from everybody being a model of restraint in the coming months.

A conservative insider told us, “The Poster had excited the passions of several members to turgidity. It will return in a Queen’s Speech – sure as eggs is eggs – but, for now, we shall remain not privy to the counsel of the Cabinet – I mean leave the matter where it lies. We await the golden reign with a mass of breath bating.”

“It would be wrong to suppose that everything about this policy is a complete lie, that is not what focus group straplines are. You have to understand we are getting back to basics with our models of restraint, not currying favour with major policy on the hoof.”

Picture: Ninth International Lifeboat Conference (1963) Edinburgh. First Day Cover.

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