A group of privileged vigilantes have called for councils across the nation to see off homeless people in order to protect the Tory-voting urban bourgeoisie from offense. Armed with posh Nikon cameras, a book on phrenology and a crystal ball, they have taken to the streets to try and catch out the millionaires who are scamming the public by dressing up in pauper rags and begging.
“Some of these homeless people are rubbish at living in houses and are being incompetently hungry in full view of everyone,” says Mr Harris Mint.
“But we know a large number of them are Marxists and some are millionaires. Some of them are faking malnutrition and thinness. Whatever next. They should go and take their fake pauperism with them.
Mr Vinnie Dicktive, the group gossip and lead curtain twitcher, said “Everyone here knows these people are really trying to make everyone else miserable. One man went to great lengths to get a stay in hospital after conning the paramedics into saying he had pneumonia, but we know he was faking it, and we took photos of the fake resuscitation. They even conned us by sticking a drip into his arm.
“The hospital said the fake tramp was in intensive care, but we know he sneaked into the canteen for some soup, really. We know the paramedics and hospital staff are Momentum supporters, so we took their photos and told them we would cross-reference them to deter them. We also got a good shot of the security guards who escorted us off the premises. Name and shame them, that’s what I say.”
Another member of the vigilante group, Miss Ginger Vitis, said: “One thing these people don’t like is being photographed or filmed, so we’ve gone and done that. These anarcho- communist types, languishing in doorways and lolling brazenly on park benches are a real menace to one’s view. They’re driving property prices down by pretending to be hoboes.
“We have identified who is genuine with the relevant charities and their names and if they are homeless or not. We’ve ask them their names, we then translate them into runic symbols then use the crystal ball and a phrenology book. Everyone knows these charities are scaremongers and that homeless people can’t be causally linked with homelessness.
“Five of the paupers we photographed have told us they won’t go begging anymore if we don’t put their wanted photo up around town. Or give out their names, which are Getty Stoffed, Doo Won, Lemmie Bee, Goa Way and his brother, Noah Way. Most of them sound like nasty foreigners.
Mr Lemmie Attem, the group strategist said “Not a single one of them sang the national anthem or denounced terrorism while they dossed around town. And they all have commie beards.
“Of the 17 hoboes we photographed, only two were genuine street homeless. Our sophisticated scientific character divination methods worked a treat. Not a single one could prove that they didn’t have a house or some money and clean clothes stashed somewhere.”
Many great philosophers have come unstuck trying to prove the existence of nothing, however.
“See, we said they weren’t real homeless people. These philosophers are all Corbyn supporters and are just playing smart because want to make the government look bad as can be,” said Mr Noah Hoomaniti, the charismatic leader, rune writer of the group and lifelong Conservative supporter.
Newest member of the character and lifestyle divination vigilante group, Mr Lou Smorals said “The solution is to send homeless people to live in landfills. That way, they can sort through the rubbish for decent cardboard boxes, no-one has to see them and people get to feel charitable every time they throw food away. It’s the most humanitarian thing to do all round.”
I asked the group what they thought genuinely homeless people would do when the ‘beast from the east’ struck.
“Well, we will have to barricade ourselves in”, said Mr Willie Eckerslike, the group phrenologist and clairvoyant.
“I personally voted leave, and I’m annoyed we still have to put up with these foreigners coming over here. It’s bad enough dealing with the fake homeless criminals without worrying about migrant sex offenders.
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