In a dramatic revelation, Prime Minister Emoji has revealed a bulk purchase of one billion Facebook ‘Likes’ with a discount for adopting the correct dual thumbs up gesture as official Prime Ministerial Body Language. Details of the Deal – or No Deal – are vague but are believed to include options on Love, Haha, Wow, Sad, and Angry. Reducing Prime Ministerial moods to five proprietary emojis is a ‘triumph of free market outsourcing’ and will ensure that ‘Young Voters’ will be reminded of their glorious leader every time they Like a comment on Facebook.
The Official Dual Thumbs gesture was developed after intense focus group studies stumbled onto a British Sign Language Dictionary from Huddersfield Library that showed the sign indicates agreement, congratulations, and boss. An unnamed Left Handed Signer pointed out that the nuance of the sign, as presented by Prime Minister Emoji, was a meaning of “bollocks”. The same Left Handed Signer also suggested that Prime Minister Emoji had recently admitted to a series of crimes when waving his appendages about.
The outsourcing of Prime Ministerial body language is accompanied by a radical licencing agreement with the Bullingdon Club that is believed to have give Prime Minister Emoji exclusive use of the trademark Bullingdon Cornflower Blue for the next half century. The colour is believed to be part of a long term plan to rebrand the Office of Prime Minister consistently – from Eton to Oxford to Downing Street – in the same colours. The Bullingdon Cornflower Blue rights having been acquired, for an unnamed sum at auction, ends the long standing arrangement with the Brexit Party Limited whose use of the Bullingdon Cornflower Blue will now be limited to greetings cards, hoodies, and posters promoting xenophobia to people who cannot spell xenophobia.
The rebranding exercise being carried out by Prime Minister Emoji includes the £140m “illusion of truth” Campaign. In a masterstroke of Brand Awareness, seventeen letters were drawn from a bag at random until a suitable slogan was obtained. Battered Fixer Orgy, Frog Bear Dexterity, Extradite By Forger, and Freed Extra Bigot were all rejected in favour of the obscure but plausible get ready for brexit. Focus groups had revealed that Frog Bear Dexterity was popular with the under forty five demographic who never vote for Prime Minister Emoji anyway and with the over forty five demographic who thought it might be some new J-Pop Band.
In a separate press release Frog Bear Dexterity announced their new release: congratulations, boss: Agreement! an anthem to the triumph of Prime Minister Emoji that sexualises frictionless borders while marketing the Democratic Ulsterman’s Party’s solutions of abstinence for anything involving any conceptions out of wedlock. Continued misconceptions are all part of the rich tapestry of life, apparently, according to the second verse of congratulations, boss; Agreement!
The seventeen letters Brand Awareness exercise was accompanied by a new, and exciting, departure for Prime Minister Emoji: the Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)]. The Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] is the wholey owned intellectual property of Shellcorp Dark Finance LLC a wholey owned subsidiary of the WeSaySoCorp CIC whose community of benefit is the Belize Yacht Cooperative of Kitts and Saint Nevis. The Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] ensures search engines give priority to policy speeches: because they contain clouds of words instead of ideas; because they shock instead of inform; because they say spaffing and buses and pole dancer and surrender and letter boxes and voting conservative will cause your wife to have bigger breasts. Instead of leading to scandalous faux pas they lead to policy announcements.
The Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] requires a new scandal for each new policy. Terms and Conditions Apply. SDF LLC (Holdings) cannot accept responsibility for death or imprisonment in Islamic Republics as a consequence of using Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)]. Unlicenced use of Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] is prohibited (except where void). Speeches may contain forty pages of terms and conditions. Please tick to consent.
As the rebranding rolls out, Prime Minister Emoji plans the most efficient Emoji Ministry in history by outsourcing everything. By the next Prorogation, policy development will be outsourced to the twenty Twitter Accounts managed by Brexit Party Limited and the best five hashtags will be implemented: by the will of the people who count. Speeches and Letters to Voters will be outsourced to the Five Largest Press Companies – because nobody else has the capacity to deliver Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] without being able to outshout everyone else in both print and digital media. Policy is to be auctioned to Party Donors in the manner established for the hugely successful Side Of A Bus campaigns piloted in 2016. In a move that has surprised many, Prime Minister Emoji has begun the process of placing himself into Chapter 11 Protective Moral Bankruptcy – in a clue to the long term trade policy of the Emoji Ministry.
The Search Engine Optimised Speech [SEOS(tm)] are available for download using the new Prime Minister Emoji App which also lets users know where the nearest Foodbank is with one of over ten thousand sexual food metaphors. Imagine being able to read the latest Prime Minister Emoji missive with a massive innuendo. All of this and more is now available with the latest App from SDF LLC (Holdings) Brands (plc): OLISBOKOLLIX. Named after the Greek Goddess of bread sex toys. What better way to market the Brand of Prime Minister Emoji than sex and food.
The Billion Likes have been crowdfunded from Benefits Claimants in a move that will Unite the Nation (incidentally an anagram of A Hint: Untie Eton; a slogan that went down well with Party Donors, Members and passing focus groups). Benefits have been adjusted to reflect the generosity of the Deserving Poor.
Picture: spontaneous thumbs up gesture press photograph of Prime Minister Boris Johnson (2019).