The State Redecoration Of Parliament


With Ermine Season seeming to come later every year, the Queen’s Speech has been delivered in a robust performance to a packed House. Delivered in homage to Anthony Hancock, the lesser known Queen’s Aphasia announced a startlingly honest enumeration of the aspirations of the Departing Parliament. In a series of mimes, gestures and facial expressions, the ageing monarch delivered a damning indictment of the aspirations of one time Seaside Entertainer and Serial Liar, the Primed Minister. 

With an arched eyebrow, Brenda gave voice to the words “New Economic Plan”. Seasoned Royal Observers distinctly saw the Royal Left Eyebrow – traditionally associated with making historical remarks – announce novaya ekonomicheskaya politika in Morse Code. The Speechwriter quite clearly overlooked the ability of the Monarch to recognise the theft of other Politicians’ work. It is intimated that the Great Purge which saw the departure of twenty one One Nation Conservatives from the Government Benches was memorialised in a quick game of Blackjack with Black Rod before the morning’s entertainment, proper, commenced. The game of Blackjack with Black Rod was introduced in 1962 and is part of the Long Game being played by the Monarchy. Currently standing at 1482 hands, who is ahead – Black Rod or the Monarch – is a State Secret. 

The Announcement of the privatisation of the National Health Service under the new Brand Name of Babylon Health is rumoured to displeased the Monarch who tapped out her preferred brand name Sodom and Gomorrah Health as she tottered to the ornate seat set aside for such a purpose. Business associate of the Rasputin of Westminster – whose comings and goings at the Bar and Ten Downing Street, is being passed off as advice – The Far Right Honourable Matted Handcock, was seen to visibly wilt as the Monarch gave her “oh I see you are abolishing Adult Social Care and ending Mental Health Care completely” look. It is rare for Brenda to give Ministers more than one arched eyebrow let alone a full facial expression. The regal full facial being reserved for more important matters. 

Visibly pleased that a crackdown on violent crime would allow the ongoing white collar crime promotion policy to flourish, Brenda delivered the sop to Him Indoors of Blaming Foreigners and Victims more efficiently for the collapse of law and order while frowning at the revelation that the politicisation of the Police would not achieve the kind of Parole politicisation that had been promised as far back as 2010. Seasoned – and sober – Royal Commentators have spent a lot of time and energy analysing some Freudian Slips particularly since Freud was a foreigner and a scientist. The notable inclusion of the marvellous phrase cackling climate change was agreed to be a stab at the Cabinet’s Resident Liemonger, whose parents appear to see arrest as extremists as being preferable to association with the Far Right Honourable Gentleman. 

The announcement that Public Bodies were to be obliged to do the Government’s Dirty Work was met with some agitated Morse Blinking and the rearrangement of the Royal Train into the phrase “Happening Right Now” using the panel signalling system, Brenda learned during her military service. While there is some disagreement as to the precise words, the sentiment does appear to be that the Department for Work And Pensions has being doing the Government’s wet work for almost a decade so why would public passivity prevent that from being escalated. The one anarchist moment of the entire Royal Aphasia being over, Brenda returned to blinking platitudes – her default. 

Brenda grimaced her best, most polite, oh really face for the announcement that the Internet would be shut down for being unkind to The Ruling Class. It is a look that is normally reserved for the dubbing of particularly vile individuals whose elevation to the Upper Chamber is cheaper than incarceration in Belmarsh. In total the speech contained no less than sixteen oh really faces and one, possible, no shit sherlock nods. Brenda, whose hat commentary is without rival, adopted the 1992 annus horribilis face both at the commencement and conclusion of her delivery of the Cabinet’s Resident Liemonger’sspeech. Significantly she was particularly close to an annus horibilis face during the announcement that the Debt for Education Loan Shark Scheme will be extended to Kindergarten Students in the first quarter of this Session – this turned out to be regal flatus. 

Brenda has never been the greatest supporter of Science but seemed vitally inspired, despite ennui, to employ the finger speech ofJohn Bulwer in order to communicate the simple sentence: “we will abolish the environment by 2021” which may well have been a message for Her Eldest In Line. The eye Morse Message, “told you Charlie” – was interpreted this way although her line of sight was towards the Chancellor of the Dutchy and not the Duke of the Dutchy. Implying an entirely different message. When reading the announcement that the Government will shout a lot about Science, Brenda lapsed into a pained expression. As a seasoned Corgi Breeder – and Corgi registered Boiler Installer – Brenda is aware that giving the Fox a head start before releasing the Local Tory Party Committee is not strictly conservation. Equally unimpressed at the notion that environmental standards would be established, Brenda Morse Blinked: so that fines might be levied”. 

As the Queen’s Aphasia drew to a close, the most damning comment came in the silent mouthing of the words“at least Mary Stuart had principles” while Morse Blinking: “A liar is no statesman and delivers nothing. This Election Speech was never delivered by him either.” All in all the rumoured absinthe, champagne and gin binge would seem a decent end to a Queen’s Speech delivered at a cost of £114,325 a second from the Monarch and £1.8Tr from the Bumpkins in the Downing Street Bunker.  


Picture: The Babbington Plot Letter.


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